It’s going to be a short Glee-Cap this week as I am just getting back in town and trying to catch up on all of the awesome television that I missed!

It was a pretty heavy Sue Sylvester episode and I really can’t complain about that! While she’s the most outrageous character on Glee, she definitely has helped bring it a lot of success.

So this is how Sue “C’s” It:

Sue invites Mr. Schue to a pity lunch at William McKinley where she listens to him babble over her inner voice over. When it comes time to leave, Mr. Schue commits the ultimate crime of disrespect. He leaves the plastic fork from his lunch on the table, this of course outrages Sue, reigniting her ultimate mission to destroy Will Schuester and the Glee Club.

She takes the fork to her “hurt locker,” which is really just a storage unit full of voodoo and rage.

Inside “The Hurt Locker” are boards of photos, puppets, and mementos (Rachel’s hair extensions) of all those whom she despises. It’s important to note that Jimmy Carter and Al Roker also have a place in the hurt locker. There’s a picture of season 1 New Directions with a post-it above Matt (the dancer from the football team who joined with Mike Chang) that says “Missing?” It was a funny call back. Sue tacks the plastic fork under Mr. Schue.

After playing a trick chord on her piano a secret room opens, which is dedicated to the wonder of Blaine and Kurt’s relationship. That’s right people, Sue ships Klaine! She has always been a fan of their conscious coupling and will do whatever she can to help them get back together. It’s her dream to be a flower girl at their wedding. A little out of left field yes, but Sue has always had a soft spot for Kurt after the whole bullying incident (even if she doesn’t always show it).

Kurt’s not really into the whole reuniting with Blaine right now, although that won’t stop Sue from trying. But she’s still Sue. Her love of Klaine will not stop her plan to destroy the glee club. As it turns out she has invited The Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline to William McKinley for an Invitational. Although, what day this actual invitational is taking place is unclear as it appears to happen on two different days.

Rachel and Kurt are understandably super stressed and worried about their glee kids. They’ve hardly performed (especially Roderick. Come on let that kid sing!) and think the club will intimidated by the competition. Not to mention they only have 4 out of the 12 required members.

Rachel asks Mr. Schuester to take it easy on them by making him remember what it was like to be the underdog in the competition. However, it is a picture of Finn backstage that ultimately makes him decide to change the songs at the last minute. She asks Blaine for the same favor, which he definitely will not be doing. He’s still in game on mode. Their conversation is interrupted when Karofsky calls saying there’s an intruder in their apartment. Turns out it was just a bear that Sue planted. Don’t you love how casual that sentence sounds? Only in a Glee recap. I think I’m going to make that my thing for these. Anytime I write something completely ridiculous, I’m just going to write: only in a Glee recap. Kurt had told her Karofsky’s type was bears (meaning burly mountain men) she thought he meant actual bears.

Sue also needs to take down Rachel if she wants to take down the glee club. So, she hypnotizes Sam that he will fall in love with Rachel and if she kisses him he won’t remember. Only in a Glee recap. Now, it is important to note that I never intended wanting Rachel to end up with anyone after Finn’s passing. However, ever since last season there has been a small part of me that thinks her and Sam would be good together. I liked that we got to see a little bit of that but am not really sure if it will head anywhere. It’s a tricky situation.

Rachel decides she wants to spruce up her life a bit and learn how to play the piano. Sam tells her that Blaine will help teach them. Their first lesson is disrupted and dismantled by Sue who then starts singing “Bitch.” It’s always good to hear her sing!

Sue has also orchestrated another tactic to ruining Karofsky and Blaine’s relationship. While out to dinner, every single one of Karofsky’s “beary” exes is there (uncomfortable) and then Sue shows up and the duo that they are third cousins. She had paid a geneology site to look into it. When they find this out, the two of them clearly have some decisions to make.

Since she had conquered the Klaine situation and her plan to take down Rachel is in motion, it’s time to move back over to Mr. Schueagain. She spies on his practice and records him on her drone (Only in a Glee recap) telling the team that they will be throwing the invitational. When Sue shows this to Carmel High’s principal, she is furious. She is also Principal Figgins’ sister.

When Will confronts her, we get the most amazing rant from Sue about everything that’s wrong with his teaching style and basically him in general. You have to read it to fully understand just how perfect it is. I love how Glee is able to make fun of itself like this.

“You remember that Christmas when you foolishly let me into your apartment? The primary ingredient of that fruitcake I watched you enjoy was actually 3 years of plaque that Brad the piano player had scraped off his teeth and collected into a small jar. And you never should’ve let me use your bathroom because the minoxidil that you’ve been rubbing into your scalp twice daily for the last three years is actually just my pee. I hate you, Will Schuester, and I will stop at nothing until I see you homeless in the streets drinking gutter run-off and allowing passersby to perform lewd acts on your butt-chin for money. You are a fatuous, dim-witted borderline pederast who tears up faster than a gay jihadi in a sandstorm. You have befouled the profession of teaching by accepting not only one, but two Teacher of the Year awards despite not speaking a word of the foreign language you purport to teach. 

Like the storied predators of yesteryear, you pick only the most vulnerable students to favor while actively neglecting the others like that gross kid with the dreadlocks or that poor Irish idiot Rory. Or the black dancer whose name none of us remember because you rode his back to a win at Sectionals and then promptly ignored him into oblivion. You don’t know a single name of the only true musical geniuses in that choir room, the band, who have demonstrated time and again that they can, at the drop of a hat, play literally any song you can name.

Your bizarre, psychosexual obsession with that glee club was disturbing from the first moment you stalked a nude student in the showers. I’m honestly surprised you didn’t reenact what was clearly the formative event of your own teenage years and Sandusky the poor kid right there and then. And I think those absorbent sweater vests actually hide the fact that you lactate every time you give one of your excruciatingly condescending pep talks. 

Your charms wore off a long time ago, William, somewhere around Bieber Week, so why don’t you take your washboard abs and your washboard forehead and get the hell out of my office. Oh, and take that uncomfortable smirk and the nine-foot fart you must be holding in with you and let her rip the second you get home. If you’re lucky, that sphincter just might toot out the first minute and a half of ‘Wheel in the Sky,’ which is the only Journey song you haven’t yet managed to ruin.”

See? …It’s magical.

We get our second song of the night, when magical piano prodigies Sam and Rachel perform “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton. Such a good song and they incorporated some of the original music video in the performance by having them playing a piano on a moving vehicle through town. Their voices go really well together and it was a nice duet. I hope they get more! Also, Chord Overstreet’s hair has probably changed the most out of everyone on the show.

After their song, they kiss!! However, the next day when Rachel asks Sam out on a date he doesn’t remember due to his hypnotization. He tells her he still has feelings for Mercedes (ugh). I’m till rooting for these two though.

Sam then goes over to Mr. Schue’s house to rummage through his mail thanks to Sue who hypnotized Sam to steal Will’s utility bills in her efforts to….shocker…take him down. When Mr. Schue catches Sam he tells Will that Rachel asked him to steal the bills. Obviously, Will doesn’t know the truth and thinks that Rachel set him up and therefore tells Vocal Adrenaline that they are back on with their original choices and they are taking the New Directions down.

We only get to see Vocal Adrenaline perform in this episode but it was a good performance that definitely left the new New Directions shaking and Rachel confused. When she looks over at Mr. Schu to see why he betrayed her, he just gives her a “take that” kind of look. I found it funny since he was her teacher only a year or two ago, but I digress.

Also in this episode, Kurt goes on a date with a guy he met online named Walter who is played by the fabulous Harry Hamlin! He is clearly much older than Kurt expected and was married to his wife for thirty years and has kids. Kurt tries to leave but Walter convinces him to be friends. I hope we get to see more Harry, he’s a delight! When Kurt tells Blaine about this, there is definitely a little bit of sadness and jealousy from Blaine. Kurt seems to encourage him working things out with Dave as there is no world where him and Karofsky could be cousins.

Next episode is part 2 of “The Hurt Locker” and hopefully Roderick sings.

Song Breakdown

“Bitch” by Meredith Brooks 

Classic Sue song. Running through the halls, throwing kids into lockers, haunting Rachel, etc. All in all, it’s a fun performance. Although, I’m surprised it took this long for her to even sing this song.

“A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton 

A little bit of a silly performance but they seemed to be having fun with it. Their fake piano playing skills could use a little work, but I probably wouldn’t even be able to look good pretending either. Props to anyone who can play that on the piano. It’s a good song that definitely brings back some memories for me! Girl anthem.

“Rock Lobster” by the B-52s! 

I’d never heard this song before, but the lead singer has a good voice and can really dance and sing. He reminds me of Puck in the looks department. They clearly had some fun with their invitational costumes. Groovy.

“Whip It” by Devo 

I’ve listened to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack so many times that I can only think of Bumper when I hear this song. Clearly a Mr. Schue song choice…he loves his oldies! Again, weird costumes and acrobatics. These kids are more than a high school Glee club. They’re almost so good it’s hard to believe they ever lose. It’s definitely a performance to make the other teams scared, and considering there are only 4 members in New Directions I’d say they’ve got a lot of work to do.